To Lose
by kaylea dear
Summary: What if Edward loses control?
1. Losing Contol

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Starting from page 529 of Eclipse when Bella is kissing Jacob before the fight and sees a life she could have with him.

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**Losing Control**

_Bella's POV_

I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black haired children, running away from me into a familiar forest. At that moment, a small sound touched my weak ears, silencing the accusing voices, along with cutting through the vision.

It sounded like gagging, or rather the choking back of sobs. Jacob stiffened in my arms. I should have known exactly what it, or who, had made the sound, but my mind refused to absorb anything. I pulled away, mechanically turning in the direction of the noise. My eyes caught sight of Edward slowly turning away from me, crouching, ready to sprint.

"Edward wait!" I begged. He froze. After a few agonizing seconds, he straightened out of his crouch, only to hunch his shoulders and hang is head. I took a step forward; Jacob didn't try to stop me.

_Edward's POV_

I didn't turn around. I just stood there, staring at my feet. Numbness had engulfed me as soon as I had stifled the sobs.

"Bella, its fine, I understand, you've made your decision." The words were forced.

"But…..it's…I'm…." she stumbled over her worlds. "I'm sorry Edward!" I still hadn't turned to meet the beautiful, loving brown eyes that called to my very being, so I cringed at her raised voice. I could hear her approaching me, only now she was the one sobbing.

My back still turned "Bella stop. Don't be upset. It will be fine. I won't stand in your way. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I….." I squeezed my eyes shut as a sigh escaped my lungs. _I love you._ I desperately wanted to tell her exactly how much I loved her. "I wish you the best of luck."

"Edward," she whispered. "I need you, I love you."

I couldn't help myself. The pain in her voice tore at my chest and I turn slightly, a reflex to comfort her. I felt her warm, un-bandaged hand wrap around my cold wrist. Up until that point Jacob had been standing there with a blank expression on his face. He had been reciting something in the Quileute language. And Seth had been blocking him out completely. I had no idea of what Jacob was thinking, or trying not to think. But, as soon as Bella's skin made contact with my own, Jacob faltered.

He was imaging a different life: he imagined Bella in a white, laced wedding gown, walking towards him, her lovely blush creeping to her cheeks. He saw himself in his wolf form standing in front of her: her protector. He saw his arms holding her tight, comforting her. He saw Charlie and Renée mixed with his Quileute family. And last, he saw two black haired children running down the beach away for him and their loving mother.

Something began to stir in me. I couldn't tell what it was. I kept trying to put a name to it but my mind was coming up short. For the first time in all my years I began to feel true heat. My skin began to burn and my vision began to turn red.

It wasn't fair. He should not be the one to protect her and hold her in his arms. His family shouldn't be the ones to be tied with hers. And the children, the two beautiful children, their hair should have been a dark copper instead of jet black, their eyes green instead of dark brown. They should have been running from me, their loving father. Their adoring mother's hand clutching mine.

I could feel the tears filling my eyes, refusing to spill over.

"Edward" Her voice was now far away, quieter than before.

I no longer wanted to feel her touch. She wasn't mine and I felt wretched for ever having involved myself with her. None of this would have happened. Neither of us would be hurting right now if I had just left her alone. I gently slipped my wrist out of her grasp.

This time she grabbed at my forearm both hands. Probably using all of her might. I spun around to face her

"NO!" I roared. My arms leaving my side, ripping out of her clutches and extending towards her. I saw nothing but blurs of red.

And then, she was on the ground. I stared down at her, uncomprehending. She staring back at me. Her eyes filled with tears of shock and pain.

_Bella's POV_

"NO!" He roared. And then, I was on the ground. Pain shooting up my already injured arm.

He had shoved me away.

He hadn't used all of his strength, or else I probably would have been dead. But, He had still used his strength against me. He had intentionally hurt me.

I heard Jacob's growl build into a roar of pure fury and pain. It was unlike anything I had ever heard before. Out of the corner of my eye I could see he was still in his human form, but the sound escaping his lips was that of an animal.

I couldn't think. All I could do was stare up at him from the wet ground. His eyes were pitch black and filled with hate and torment. And also unshed tears.

_Edward's POV_

I stood there in shock, loathing myself. I couldn't seem to move. I managed to choke out her name. That seemed to bring her out of her own shock. She looked down at her arm and collapsed. She curled into a ball, shutting her eyes and lips as tight as they would go. A very loud noise rang right in my ears but I couldn't make sense of it.

I reached out to her, unsure of what to do.

"Bella I….."

"BELLA! DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HER YOU MONSTER!" I ignored Jacob and leaned closer to Bella. In a blur of motion Jacob was crouching in front of her, angled so he could wrap an arm around her and block me from her at the same time.

"I said, Do. Not. Touch her. Leave now. Don't come back you filthy leech. Or I _will_ kill you."

I shifted my weight so that I could see around Jacob, see Bella's face. "Bella" was all I managed to say. What seemed like a life time of pure torture passed in just a few moments.

"Just leave, please." She whimpered. She didn't look up. Jacob's form was now shaking uncontrollably. His eyes burned with pure fury.

I told myself I had to leave before he exploded into a wolf and injured Bella, but that was just a numbing device. I turned and stumbled into the forest, wishing that darkness would engulf me. I began to run.

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First fanfic. What do you think?

RR?!


	2. tiny tiny Author's Note

**Authors Note**

This is just a note.

Because this is my first fanfic & i don't want anyone upset. so i thought i'd clear some things up.

:D

First:  
Edward wasn't really crying. I know that he can't cry. No vampires can cry. The tears won't ever spill over. They'll just keeping nagging him until they go away.

Second:  
Most of my friends know me as a Jacob lover. Don't get me wrong, i absolutly love Edward, but all his perfection makes him seem less real. _-yes i am a fangirl & yes i know how stupid my theory sounds-_ Thats probably why I perfer Jacob over Edward; because he seems more real. Plus I'm tired of reading all of there EdwardXBella stories. What about Jacob? Hes not bad at all. Wheres his happiness?

And Finally:  
It was a spurr-of-the-moment decision to write this. So I have no idea how its going to end. So don't throw anything at me. :D

Thanks.


	3. Witness

**Witness**

_Jacob's POV_

As soon as Bella had turned away from me I allowed the calm to enter my mind and filter out anything that might provoke me. But the vision of my life I could have with Bella was throwing itself at me. I struggled to keep the perfection of it from my mind. It wasn't something I wanted to share with the leech. So I settled for reciting our old legends in the native tongue.

I stared after Bella, who was stammering, trying to get the bloodsucker to face her.

"Bella stop. Don't be upset. It will be fine. I won't stand in your way. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I….." He let out a small breath that I doubt Bella heard. "I wish you the best of luck." I continued to stare blankly at them.

"Edward," she whispered. "I need you, I love you." It sounded more like she was trying to convince herself. Or maybe I was just telling myself that to deny the truth. But still, he'd just given up. And after what we had just shared? She didn't need him. She had me. She loves me too.

I couldn't help it. I could feel the vision slipping into my mind. I tried to concentrate on the legends but it was becoming increasingly difficult. How could she do this to me? How could she just go back to the stupid leech? I wanted to rip out his throat. No. I had to calm down. For Bella's sake. But then, the bloodsucker turned slightly, a reflex to her word. She wrapped he small, uninjured hand around his wrist.

I could hear my heart pounding against my chest. The blood rushed passed my ears and my perfect life burst through like a cannonball would burst through the wood of a ship; splintering all my effort to keep the vision from entering my mind. I saw everything replay itself, exactly like when I had been kissing Bella, and she had been kissing back.

I saw Bella in a white, laced wedding gown, walking towards me, her ever present blush wildly running to her cheeks. How I loved the sight of it. She was so beautiful, my wife to be. I could feel my lips stretching across my face. I saw me in my wolf form standing in front of her: her protector. I saw my arms holding her tight, comforting her. I saw Charlie and Renée mixed with my Quileute family. And last, I saw two black haired children running down the beach away for me and their beautiful, loving, perfect mother. Her delicate hand intertwined with my huge warm one.

My heart felt like it was going to burst.

"Edward" she whispered.

At this, I heard his sharp intake of breath. He pulled his arm out of he hand, turning away from her. Everything sped up. Bella grabbed at the parasite's arm with both hands, trying to pull him back to her. He spun around to face her.

"NO!" I was dumb founded. He had just yelled at her. I didn't have time to cringe at the sound of it before his arms left his side and sent Bella to the ground. She landed right on her bandaged arm.

I didn't know what to do. A shiver crept up my spine and my sight began to blur. I knew if I lost control too close to her it wouldn't matter that he had just shoved her to the ground, she would be in danger. I let out an angry roar. It belonged to a caged beast, unable to move or escape. Why couldn't I move? Was it my fear for her safety? From me or the leech? Or was it because I couldn't think? My mind wasn't doing much to answer the questions.

She stared up at him in shock. He glared down at her, his expression unfathomable.

His expression became tormented. "Bella" he choked out. That seemed to shake her. Bella look down at her arm and let out a soft whimper. She collapsed onto the wet ground. Unthinking, I took a step forward, ready to lunch at the disgusting bloodsucker. I glanced down at Bella. The look on her face was pleading, even if her eyes were sewn shut. That stopped me dead in my tracks. All I could do was stare at her.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the leech extend a pale hand towards her. My fury began to burn again. "Bella, I…"he began to say.

My mind began to work again, and I found my voice. "BELLA!" I called out her name, cutting him off. I turned to the leech. "DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HER YOU MONSTER!" I darted to her side angling myself to block her from his view. I wrapped an arm around her, pulling her closer to me.

He continued to stare at her, only now his face was full of confusion. He didn't seem to understand what I had said "I said, Do. Not. Touch her. Leave now. Don't come back you filthy leech. Or I _will_ kill you."

He shifted his weight, trying to lean around me. I shifted my weight in response.

"Bella" was all he could manage.

"Just leave, please." Her whimper came from behind me. She didn't look up. My form was now shaking uncontrollably. I could feel my eyes burning with pure fury. I knew if I didn't gain control soon I would become more of a threat than the bloodsucker.

Pain contorted Edwards face at he nodded and turned his back to us, stumbling towards the forest. When he got to the tree line he broke out into a sprint.

It was quiet for a few moments before the sobbing started.

I turned to her and folded my legs under me, soaking my sweats as a settled on the cold, wet ground. I pulled Bella onto my lap, cradling her like a child. The sobs started to sound like ripping noises as they became louder and more frequent. I rocked her gently, petting her hair, trying to comfort her. I could not be happy, not when she was in this much pain. The only sounds I made were shhh-ing noises whenever her sobs would make it impossible for her to breath.

We sat there for what seemed like an eternity, until she finally quieted and slipped into unconsciousness in my arms. I moved us into the tent and curled up beside her, watching her sleep.

RR?


	4. Vision

**Vision**

_Edward's POV_

I didn't know why I was running in this direction. What was I going to tell them, my family? Tell them that I had lost her, the love of my life, the center of our existences, -well, most of our existences- for the past year? I couldn't face them. I don't even know why I was going to try.

I circled around them, trying to get down wind so the wouldn't catch my scent. I could hear that all the newborns were dead. The fire that turned their bodies to ash kept my family from hearing my approach. The werewolves had already left for La Push. I was close enough to hear my family's voices as well at their thoughts, being down wind I could smell them too. But they had no idea of my presence. I crouched down behind an overgrown shrub. I didn't want them to see my like this, broken and tormented. Especially Esme, I didn't want to let her down.

Their thoughts all resembled each other; wondering where Bella and I were. It hurt to think her name. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. I should just run now. Maybe go to the Volturi again. But I wasn't going to fight for Bella. Not after the atrocity I had just committed. I would not hurt her ever again. I shouldn't have hurt her in the first place. With that thought my already bent knees buckled under me and I doubled over onto my side, crossing my arms around my chest.

_Never again. Never again. Never again. Bella I love you. Goodbye._

"ALICE!" Jasper rushed to her side. I could see her through his mind. She was slumped over. Her eyes were blank and her tiny frame was shaking. He pulled her onto his lap, staring at Carlisle with a frantic look in his eyes.

This vision was strong, nothing like her normal visions. It completely took over her, slamming into both of us. I was just as wrapped up in the vision as my sister was.

My family: sitting in a dark, unfamiliar house, not looking at each other. The couples: not touching. Alice: in jeans and a t-shirt, staring at a warned picture of her and Bella. Emmett: staring at the floor, his back to Rosalie, who leaned against a door frame, wearing a bored face. Carlisle and Jasper: staring at a blank TV. And finally Esme. Poor Esme was standing at the foot of a small stair case, unshedable tears in her golden eyes as she looked across the room at her family. Minus one.

And then the vision changed. I saw myself huddled in a corner of some dark, damp ally that had been littered with garbage. My eyes were pitch black as I watched a couple run through the rain laughing and holding hands. It would have been a tender moment, had not a vampire been watching them with pure hatred.

Now Alice's vision had gone blank. She knew she was missing something. She reached deeper into the vision, searching for Bella. But she didn't find her.

Alice let out a piercing cry of pain. My family rushed to her side. She sat in Jasper's lap rocking back and forth, sobbing. "Bella, Bella, Bella. Where did we go wrong? Where is Bella? She's gone. And Edward….he" she choked out.

"Alice," Carlisle grabbed her shoulders, turning her to face him. "Alice what exactly did you see?" She went on to tell him her vision. Of all of them being lifeless, just sitting around in the dark. Of me leaving them, hiding out in some murky place. And of Bella, lost to them forever.

The entire group stood still. All of their thoughts full of confusion and pain.

"Jasper, Emmett, Rose, go find them." Carlisle ordered. All three of them nodded their heads and sped off in the direction of the cliffs. It was time for me to go. I quietly stood up and began to run once more. _Away_ was the only direction my mind could come up with. _I'm running away._

Eventually I stumbled over a rock and sprawled out onto my face. It shouldn't have hurt, but it did. I sat up and wrapped my arms around my knees.

Why? Why had I hurt her? I lost control. How could I have lost control? I replayed the scene over and over again until I could no longer stand it. I didn't want to exist anymore. I wanted to disappear. I sat there for hours, crying out in pain whenever I could no longer contain it.

"Aw, why the sad face?" A high, baby-ish voice teased. Though I expected the childish sound of her voice, it still shocked me when I heard it for the first time.

Victoria was casually circling me, her red hair whipping wildly around her face. He eyes were a deep burgundy and he lips were twisted into a taunting smirk. I collected myself and stared up at her a blank expression. She pursed her lips.

"Let me guess, your little human girlfriend dumped you? Poor, poor Edward." She skipped closer to me, running her fingers slightly through my dirt-covered hair. I snapped at her hand, hoping to dismember it. She danced back, shaking her forefinger at me as if I were a misbehaving child.

"Now Edward, why would you go and try a thing like that? I'm only trying to help." She pretended that she was pouting and jutted out her bottom lip. "We both know what you really want,"

"And what would that be, Victoria? Getting another shot in at your James or ripping out your throat?" She let out a low snarl but then composed herself.

Her thoughts were dark. But she hadn't thought about harming Bella. "I was thinking more along the lines of getting back at the mutt who stole your love." I was confused. Why would she want to help me? She wanted Bella dead. Didn't she?

She did. And she would stop at nothing to get to her. It was a trap.

My face did not betray the conclusion I had just come too. I continued to look up at her with a confused expression.

"The werewolves have destroyed everything I have. Laurent, my army," _Of coarse! Bella was right all along._ "They've had me cornered so many times. I want to get ride of them. And of course, if you're interested in revenge, the dog dies and the human gets to grieve over her precious pet. Either way you win." Did she honestly think I would fall for her lies? I'd been trying to kill her since James had brought his coven to Forks. She still wanted Bella dead. I could see the longing in her eyes.

"And what do I get in return, if I help you?" I asked in my most alluring voice. I raised my eyebrows suggestively.

That confused her and she hesitated before answering. "Well, what do you want?"

"You." That caught her off guard. My acting skills kicked into overdrive. "I want you. I've been without the touch of a familiar species for so long. Being with a weak, breakable human has its draw backs." I sat up straighter, beckoning to her with smoldering eyes.

She was momentarily dazzled, as Bella had once put it. She seemed to think that _I_ had fallen for _her_ trap. Her face was puzzled, but not distrusting. She slowly glided towards me and kneeled down my level. She brushed her fingertips across my cheek and down my arm.

"What ever you want."

She was so close now. I raised my hand to touch her face. And with one swift and solid movement, my hand closed around her throat, crushing it.

Her eyes burned with hatred and pain. She choked out but I couldn't understand it. She tried to flee but I grabbed her by the arm and heaved. More choking. Victoria stumbled to the ground. I gave her time to get back up. I was alone for eternity now. I had plenty of time.

She stood up facing me. Her eyes filled with realization. Her death wasn't going to be quick. It was going to be painstakingly slow. And she couldn't even scream. A smile touched my lips for the first time since the cliffs. I was going to enjoy this. I was still making my Bella safe.

I circled around her like a lion circling its prey. I crouched down. The exact same movements her James had used in Phoenix. She recognized what I was doing and her eyes became wide with horror. She mouthed "no" right as I lunged at her.

I slammed her into a huge tree, causing it to buckle and crack. The sound closely resembled thunder. _Fitting_ I thought. Her spine was contorted, forcing her into a hunch. She stumbled once more. I casually strolled up to her, placing my right foot on her leg and forcing it down. The crack brought on another round of choking.

I squatted down. I felt no need to say anything to her. I just took her head between my hands and smiled. Her eyes were wide with terror. My smile became more prominent as I snapped her head from her shoulders.

I took care in dismembering the body correctly. Then started a fire and tossed the stone white pieces into it. Her head was the last thing I tossed into the inferno. Before the flames ever even touched the head, it looked like it was already on blazing.

I had to hurry now. My family would surly see the smoke and come searching for me.

I took off deeper into the woods, unsure of what to do now.

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R&R


	5. Aftermath

Ok you guys I am sooo sorry that I haven't updated in so long. When I looked at the last time I posted I almost shot my self in the foot.

:X

Anyways,

For those who keep asking about how this story is going to turn out:

-sobs- I don't know! Oh dear jesus I wish I knew. I've come up like 234679465 billion different endings. But just so you know, I won't go into their lives, whoever ends up with whom.

For now, just try to enjoy the story. And if it doesn't go your way, I'm sorry! Don't hit me. D

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**Aftermath**

_Jacob's POV_

That second night on the cliffs was perhaps one of the worst nights of my life. Never in a million years would I have ever dreamed of giving my Bella up. But seeing her so tortured and in pain, even in her sleep, I would have handed her right back to the bloodsucker if it meant the end of her misery. I prayed it would never come to that. She hadn't encased herself into a shell like last time. She was still aware. That, more than anything, fueled my hope.

So I laid with her through the night. The storm wasn't nearly as bad as the night before. The wind didn't howl and whip at the tent, so it wasn't at all difficult to hear Bella's sobs as she slept. The only thing I could do for her was wrap my arms around her in attempt to comfort her and keep her warm.

It was pure torment: to be there and yet not be able to help her. She slept and wept in my arms, soaking my shirt to the point where I had to take it off. Every time another sob racked her tiny frame it felt as though her body was breaking into pieces.

And I couldn't stop it from happening

At one point when night still engulfed the face of the cliff - I hadn't slept since the night before – Bella's cries rapidly began to grow louder and louder, screaming out "The fire, Edward it burns!"

I panicked and threw myself over her, searching for the source. She wriggled underneath me, eyes shut so tightly. She kept repeating her cries. "The fire, oh god, the fire!"

She wouldn't stop. And I couldn't find any fire or anything else, for that matter, which could be the source of her pain. For a fleeting moment I wondered if she had been bitten by a bloodsucker. Blanching, I quickly through out that possibility. The last leech we had seen was the hideous creature that had shoved her to the ground. And the last lips to touch her were my own.

Her screams became more tortured and I desperately tore at my hair, releasing the human equivalent of a howl.

After about ten minutes of Bella screaming and me doing all I could think of to calm her, she finally stilled. My heart stopped. I held my breath until she let out a quiet whimper and rolled on her side, facing me. "Jacob." Her eyes were still shut and like mine, her face was streaked with drying tears.

"I'm right her, Bells. Right here."

She was still asleep but she extended her hand towards me, searching. "My Jacob."

I took her hand and lowered myself back onto the sleeping bag, pulling her to me. She snuggled closer and I wrapped my arms around her, never wanting to let go.

We lay like that until the sun started to show through the fabric of the tent. I reached for the jacket that was crumpled on the ground at my feet. Quietly as I could I shook it out and gently lay it over mine and Bella's sleeping head, fighting the dawn.

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Ok ok, I know it's like insanely short, but I just wanted to get that out there.


End file.
